How To Know When You Are Done Parenting?

Various forms of this article have been published in several parenting magazines, including Women’s Sourcebook and Today’s Family.

How Do You Know When You Are Done Parenting?
5 Categories to Assess Your Child’s Well Being

By Erick Lauber, Ph.D.

“What now?”

That was the first thought Betsy had when the message on her phone said the principal wanted to talk to her about her youngest son.  Though she wasn’t thrilled, she knew it wasn’t quite yet time to panic. Joey had just entered his freshmen year but his two older siblings, one a 17-yr old junior girl and the other an 18-yr old senior boy, had already taught her to remain calm until the details emerged.

As she waited for the designated time she started to wonder when this stage of parenting might end; the “anxiously waiting up at night and never knowing what crisis might come from a phone call” stage.  She’d already made it through the “three in diapers” stage and the “he won’t let go of my toy” stage.  The “grandparents” stage was still a long way off. At least she hoped so.

The kids fed and clothed themselves most of the time now, and the long conversations before bed had turned in to quick chats in car rides.  The crises were fewer and farther between – less about skinned knees and more about dating and drugs – but they seemed bigger and harder to handle than the earlier, elementary school days.

In truth, her confidence was a little bit shaken. She wasn’t as sure of herself about her parenting as she was during the “play-dates and birthday party” years.  Was she backing off the right amount and training her kids to handle their own dilemmas?  How involved was she supposed to be about their college choices?  Should she speak directly to that high school coach or stay calm and show her kids that, in the end, high school athletics shouldn’t be taken too seriously?

Her questions seemed endless and she knew her husband was even less confident than her.  All of her older friends said it would change when the kids moved off to college.  But she knew a couple of them still checked in with their grown-up child quite often. She had heard the phrase “helicopter parents” and she didn’t want to be one of those. On the other hand, some of her older friends seemed very hands-off with their kids.  Was that because their kids were doing really well?

Betsy wanted the best for her kids and was willing to work at it, and knew eventually she would just be an advisor, a parent-friend who was available as needed.  Certainly, that’s how her parents “parented” her now.

But when would that time come?  How would she know when her kids were ready to take over their own lives?  When would she be done parenting?  Not done loving them, of course, nor done being available, but done making decisions for them  and done checking in and monitoring them to make sure everything was “still on course.”

Focusing the Question

Betsy’s questions are not unusual. For many parents, the teen years are a very stressful and confusing time.  When the kids were younger it was kind of easy, or at least simpler.  Keep them safe. Make sure they are well.  Let them know they are loved. Etc…

But when the kids become teens, “good parenting” gets harder and harder to define.  Are you supposed to step in and fight their battles for them, or hang back and let them figure it out on their own? Can you prevent heartbreaks, or, must you only provide counseling afterwards?  And does anyone know exactly what do to about sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll?  When are you done parenting the way you used to – back when they were just children?

For many, when they survey their friends about this question they get responses like, “when your children are independent,” or “when they can take care of themselves.”  But when and what is “independent?”  Does it magically happen one day, perhaps the day they graduate high school or move out?  Those seem like arbitrary dates, and, not all kids mature at the same rate, correct?

If we focus on what really worries parents, that their children will not grow up happy, healthy and wise, it is possible to gather these worries into a coherent whole. For example, most – if not all – parents have been focused on trying to take care of their child’s “future self,” not just the present child.  Responsible parents have been denying their children candy in the grocery aisle, getting them up for school every day, and making a thousand other decisions knowing that these choices will be best for the child in the long run.

So, one answer to Betsy’s question “when is she done parenting, at least the way she did when they were elementary school students?” is, “when the young adult starts making decisions that are in the best interests of their future selves, not just meeting their current wishes or needs.”  She can stop making decisions for them when they are making decisions that will lead to their long-term happiness and health.

And what does that look like?  How shall we define a “happy, healthy and wise person” and how will we know when our children are headed in the right direction?

Well being

One way to answer this question is to turn to social scientists.  For example, the Gallup organization has been studying individual happiness and life satisfaction for many, many years.  Their concept of the good life is informed by millions of survey responses.  Their results support our intuitive notion that we all want basically the same things.  Gallup has combined these few universals into a concept called “well being.”  When we are doing well in each of these categories, we give ourselves very high scores on well being.

For our purposes, these five categories allow us to break down the question “is our child headed in the right direction?” into five more specific questions.  Our child will do well in life and have high well being down the road if they are taking care of themselves in the areas of career, social, physical, financial and community well being.

1.       Career and Purpose

The Gallup organization has discovered that the single most important element of one’s well being is a person’s self-evaluation of their career well being.  This question is not about how much money you make, but instead about how much you enjoy what you do on a daily basis. Do you feel like your work has a purpose and does it feel meaningful?  Part of our job as parents is to help our children select and get in to a career they will enjoy.  This doesn’t mean we have to find the right job for them, or even select their college major. It means we have to help our children understand that enjoying their work is very, very important.  As they understand themselves better and better, they have to be responsible for making their careers, and thus their lives, enjoyable and meaningful.

To help make this happen, Gallup recommends people learn to use their strengths every day.  This might mean in Betsy’s case she helps her children identify their strengths and encourages them to pursue careers that capitalize on those strengths.

Gallup also recommends we identify people who share our mission and passion, and spend more time with them. Perhaps Betsy can suggest joining a professional club or business organization to each child?  Can she help them connect with people who share their interests and values?

2.       Social

Gallup recommends that to increase our well being in the social sphere we spend roughly six hours a day socializing with friends, family and colleagues.  Unfortunately, we all know as parents we cannot make relationship decisions for our children.  But perhaps we can help in this area.  Betsy can ask herself, are her children forming strong bonds with people at work or school? Does it look like these relationships will last for years and are her children able to navigate brief disruptions in those relationships?  Most importantly, are they forward-looking in their choice of relationships, particularly the most important ones such as their spouse?

Gallup also recommends mixing social time with physical activity.  Are the kids’ social lives contributing to their physical well being? Or is it the other way around – are their social lives getting in the way of their physical well being?

3.       Physical

Betsy has probably been taking care of her children’s physical health for quite some time. She’s been buying and preparing their food, dictating their sleep schedule and enrolling them in physical activities after school and on weekends. So, are they starting to make healthy decisions on their own?  Are they developing eating habits that will contribute to a long-term healthy lifestyle? Are they choosing to be physically active at least 20 minutes a day, or is their physical activity waning off?  How about their sleeping patterns?  Are they choosing to get between seven to eight hours a night? Or, are they getting too few or too many (more than nine hours) per day?  Young people have a tendency to think they are invincible.  Is she helping them to see that risky behaviors eventually lead to bad outcomes? Do her kids fully realize their health is now their responsibility?

4.       Financial

Betsy would be wise to investigate how her kids are spending their money. Though happiness and well being are not strictly tied to absolute wealth, most research supports our intuitive notion that too little wealth can have a decidedly negative effect on our well being.  To achieve financial independence all of us know we need financial discipline and an ability to forgo near-term pleasures for longer-term financial goals.

Betsy probably knows that long-term financial health means spending less than you earn.  But being obsessed with earnings will produce a one-dimensional person; one who misses the truly important things in life such as time with family and friends.

But the Gallup research also shows that how we spend our money – whether on experiences or things, on friends and loved ones or just ourselves – can have an impact on our overall well being.  So Betsy’s immediate two questions might be: are her children able to demonstrate some financial discipline when they have a long-term goal? And, do they spend their money recognizing that experiences are more important than things?

5.       Community

Finally, the Gallup organization has found a significant correlation in an individual’s self-reported well being  and  their involvement in their community.  Volunteering is a significant contributor to our happiness and can inoculate us from stress and other negative emotions.  A sense of community counteracts the feelings of isolation and loneliness that are still possible even in today’s technology-connected world.

Betsy can encourage success in this area by helping her children develop a personal mission or purpose with respect to community needs and activities. What might be their focused area of involvement? Habitat for humanity? The animal shelter? The opportunities are endless.  But even if they start small, she should encourage them to start now.

Hope and Optimism

Though these are the five components of well being according to Gallup, an important additional determinant of a child’s future success is also hope and optimism. A person can only succeed at what they try.  As the famous quote goes, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you are correct.”

Betsy, and the village around her, needs to encourage in her kids a sense of forward-looking hopefulness.  She may do this with what she says or doesn’t say, with what she does or doesn’t do – but if she keeps this important goal in mind she will find numerous opportunities throughout the teen years to encourage optimism and hope in her kids.

Betsy was wise to remain calm waiting for the phone call. To her pleasant surprise the principal was calling to get her permission to invite her son on a school academic review committee. It was an honor for her son to be nominated – not a punishment.

For all of us, the answer to the question “when are we done parenting?” requires that we have a goal in mind. Well being is at least one way of answering and describing what we want our children to achieve in the long run. It is one way of describing the goal.

As we begin to think about when our jobs as parents might be winding down, we can use the five categories of the Gallup organization’s well being index, plus the additional goal of encouraging hope and optimism, as a way to assess whether our child is taking care of not just their present needs and wants, but also their future selves.  Though all of us know our roles as parents will never really be over, it is completely acceptable to say the job can evolve.  The kind of parent most of us probably want to be is someone who celebrates from the sidelines, not be in charge of the entire game.


How to Pursue the Pursuit of Happiness

So, you want to be happy? Who doesn’t?  You’re probably thinking of reading some of those self-help books on the topic.  But chances are you are going to end up frustrated because the search for happiness is usually presented in the wrong way. You’ll end up looking for the wrong thing.

The problem comes partly from our language and the way we speak about happiness, as if it is a thing that can be obtained or achieved.  “Happiness,” so our culture teaches us, is a state of being.  It is a strong emotional state,  something akin to “joy” or “exaltation.”  It should be grabbed and held onto.

But deep inside you know that goal isn’t really feasible – we can’t feel extended periods of joy any more than we can stay in any extreme emotional state for very long.  And “achieving” happiness isn’t the same as crossing a finish line or finally buying that “just for me” sports car.

Instead, we should recognize that pursuing happiness is really about the types of activities we add to our lives.  We should be striving for the kind of life that keeps us enthusiastic and excited to take on each day, despite some of the inevitable bad moments and accidents.

So, what can we do to have more of that kind of happiness in our lives?  The answer: shift our emphasis from the word “happy” to the word “pursuit.”  Concentrate on the activities we add to our life.  If we add more moments where we are fully engaged in satisfying and rewarding activities, that work for us on an inner, self-referential level, we will be well on our way to having a happy life.

And what types of activities might do this? Which activities help us feel fully engaged in meaningful, rewarding ways?  Fortunately, modern day psychology does have some suggestions.

Develop the Habit of Self-Improvement Projects
A lot of good feelings about you and who you are becoming can come from taking on a short-term self-improvement project.  Watching our self make small gains and finally achieving a personal goal can be rewarding specifically on an inner, private level.

There are certainly many things to consider when choosing a self-improvement goal and developing the daily or weekly measurements that might provide those moments of small success.  But just engaging in a self-improvement project can be psychologically rewarding.  Particularly if the objective is not something we are doing for external feedback and rewards.  Importantly, progress on a self-improvement goal will help us feel good about ourselves for an extended period of days, if not all of them.

Examples might include a modest weight loss or fitness goal, gradually reading that book you’ve always wanted to read, or starting and finishing a series of classes in a new craft or hobby.  Self-improvement ideas abound, but keeping the goals manageable, medium in size, and easily measurable are important factors to consider.

Exercise Your Strengths
A different but similar sense of accomplishment and pride can come from doing things that others find hard.  This doesn’t mean focusing on earning a prize or defeating an opponent.  Instead, it can refer to simply experiencing a certain kind of joy when you exercise your unique talents and strengths.  We are all good at some things. Perhaps some of these things have funneled us in to our current job.  But independent of any external rewards, such as pay or promotions, there is a certain internal reward from engaging in what we do well.

Purposefully adding activities to our lives that allow us to activate our strengths is a great way to pursue happiness.  Outside of our controlled work environment we might discover we can volunteer our bookkeeping talent at our local church or coach a youth soccer program and experience the joys of teaching.  We can landscape a community park or use our voice to read for the blind.   Doing what we do well is always intrinsically rewarding, and doing so in the service of others is a potential ‘double whammy’ in the pursuit of happiness.

Go for the “Flow”
A third kind of activity we can add to our lives is one designed to get us into “flow.”  Several years back psychologists starting studying that wonderful place our mind goes to when we are fully engaged in a task; that loss of time and worries when our minds are “locked in” by the activity.  We usually know we were “in the zone” only after we come out of it.  “Flow” can happen at work obviously, but what about purposefully adding it to our lives as a “pursuit of happiness” activity?

To get to flow most easily the mind should be fully engaged in the task.  This happens in everyday life when we are activating our curiosity or encouraging our creativity.  Allowing ourselves to be creative or curious may feel like a luxury in today’s busy, fast-paced world, but paradoxically finding exactly that kind of time will be far more “productive” toward achieving a life of happiness and contentment than completing yet another thing on our to-do list.  Simply ask yourself this:  don’t you know someone who regularly engages in creative or curiosity-fulfilling activities and seems to have a particularly interesting and happy life?

Join in a Community of Volunteers
Finally, perhaps the easiest activity we can add to our lives is volunteering in a relaxed and social atmosphere with others.  It is true many service clubs have experienced a severe decline in enrollments over the past decade or two.  This may be due to how easy it is with today’s technology to spend time alone, entertaining ourselves or working nonstop.  But the lives of our grandparents were filled with socializing, bonding and enjoying each others’ company. It was a regular occurrence and part of the pursuit of a life well spent.  Every one of us knows how fun it is to chat with friends.  Why not make some new ones  and help out your community at the same time?

The pursuit of happiness should be more about the pursuit, the activities that we choose to engage in and how they make us feel in the long term, than about a fleeting emotional state.  Developing small but regular self-improvement projects, exercising our strengths, trying to get in to “flow” and volunteering with others are just some suggestions.   After all, a life well spent is a happy life.

How Leaders Can Battle Burnout on Their Team

Battle Burnout: Address the 6 Motivators for Enjoying Work

By Erick Lauber, Ph.D.

Gloria wasn’t happy at work.  It wasn’t that she hated her job or anything like that. Her co-workers were fine and she didn’t mind the type of work she did. In fact, she thought she did it pretty well. Of course, she wanted more money, but who didn’t?  No, something else was bothering her.  At some basic level she simply didn’t enjoy coming to work. Whatever excitement or sense of accomplishment she used to get had been replaced by a lack of motivation.

Gloria’s issue was a common one. Employees around the world sometimes lose sight of what makes their work worthwhile.  They get run-down, burnt out and de-motivated.   At times like these it can be difficult for anyone to enjoy work and find the old levels of motivation and energy.

To help Gloria and the millions like her, it is necessary to look at the underlying causes.  Why do any of us enjoy work?  And can we re-ignite those causes in our own work environment? The answer is yes, there are at least six different reasons why we enjoy work, ignoring money, of course..

Inner Accomplishment

The remarkable time and energy some people put in to their work can only be understood as an “inner drive” – they simply want to achieve that goal.  Seeking a personal sense of accomplishment is natural and can be harnessed everyday by millions of workers and employers.  It can be described as “taking pride in one’s work” or a sense that “this is what I was meant to do.”  Whether the objectives are short-term or long-term, making progress toward a goal makes all of us feel good.

The Greater Good

Many of us are also motivated by a sense of community. The feeling that we are part of something larger and that life isn’t just about our own individual needs and wants.  .  This particular joy and peace is experienced by millions as they volunteer for church or service club tasks, but it can also be encouraged in the workplace.  For example, it is claimed many Asian/Eastern companies reinforce this message. Clearly many Americans are also motivated by community considerations.  Perhaps Gloria could be encouraged to reframe her circumstances and see how she is contributing to the greater good.

Personal Relationships

Many get enjoyment from the individual relationships they experience at work.  It helps them look forward to each day. The laughter, the camaraderie, the forgiveness and even the occasional stress are all something they enjoy and know they wouldn’t want to live without.  But not everyone is the same, and certainly we’re not all our best self every single day.  Enlightened managers respect this basic human need to connect with others and allow it, if not encourage it, in their workplace.  Has Gloria’s manager given her the opportunity to connect with others?  Has he diagnosed that this is something important to her?

Sense of Team

Similarly, some people enjoy a special sense of completeness and wholeness by experiencing team. In the workplace, many employers work hard to encourage this shared identity by conducting internal PR and messaging campaigns.  For quieter teammates, a sense of camaraderie might provide an extremely important opportunity to connect and feel like they belong.  Does Gloria feel she’s part of a team?  How much team spirit has her boss created?

Physical Exertion

For some, a special sense of joy comes from physical exertion, and the absence of it makes any job less appealing.  It just doesn’t feel like work if they aren’t breaking a sweat or doing battle with the weather.  This is partly a product of socialization and might be tied up with what “work” means to them.  Modern day psychology re-affirms the benefits from physical labor. We all know how endorphins can give us a slight high.  And everyone knows about the stress-management benefits from working out?  Is getting physical a way for Gloria to battle her “lack of motivation? If her job is sedentary, does her employer even offer a “get in shape” program?

Mental Challenges

Finally, a great many of us enjoy the special mental feeling that comes from exercising our creativity or satisfying our curiosity.  The small euphoria that comes from developing something new or conquering a complex problem can be for a big part of enjoying work for some. Does Gloria’s boss know whether she’s incredibly bored or frustrated by her tasks? Is it time for a promotion, or perhaps a little job engineering to offer a chance at being creative?

“Why” is the Answer to “How”

So, what can be done more generally to help employees enjoy their work? Or what can Gloria or any employee do themselves?  The answer is simple: treat the cause, not the symptoms. Instead of worrying about symptoms like aggressive behavior or poor attitude, employees and employers can create a more enjoyable work environment by directly addressing one or more of these common denominators.  Why not casually interview Gloria about whether she feels connected to her fellow co-workers? Does she have any friends at work?   Why not ask “is this job challenging enough?” or “would you like the opportunity to be more creative?”  Stepping back and reflecting on each of these six motivators can guide any manager or employee toward a more enjoyable work place.  There is hope for Gloria in the application of modern day psychology to the workplace.